Stop Doing These Things in Public
You know other people can see you, right?
This afternoon I ran into a guy who was casually walking down the street, in a suit, brushing his fucking teeth. He smiled at me. You know, like you do when you’re walking down the street in a suit brushing your fucking teeth.
Here’s some things you should stop doing in public so you can function normally in society since we’re not goats living on a farm.
Stop clipping your nails
Do you own a mobile nail spa business I don’t know about? Do we need to set an alarm for you so you can get up earlier so your ass isn’t on the bus/plane/train or at a coffee shop fucking clipping away like you’re expecting the beauty school dropout angel from Grease to show up and fix your life?
What the hell are you doing? When did it become OK for people to just CASUALLY AS FUCK pull out a nail clipper in the middle of lunch and give themselves a manicure? Shit’s flying everywhere. I’m not having it. Stop it. Stop fucking doing it.
Stop taking your shoes off
Your shoes don’t ever need to be off. If you’re on public transportation, keep your fucking shoes on. If you’re at the movies, keep your fucking shoes on. If you’re at a restaurant, keep your fucking shoes on.
Did you really just walk into this Starbucks with bare feet so black it looks like you have sandals on? Nope! You can walk those nasty-ass feet right the hell back on outta here, Chuck Testa.
Unless you’re under the age of three years, at the beach, or HUCKLEBERRY FUCKING FINN ON A RIVERBOAT, keep your shoes on your gargoyle-ass feet.
Stop flossing
Why? Why are you flossing just out in the open like that? Let me break down what you’re doing.
Step 1: You’re taking string.
Step 2: Putting it between your food filled teeth.
Step 3: And flicking chewed food specks out of your germ ridden mouth.
Floss, please, by all means. Floss the fuck away behind closed and locked doors. But if you do it in front of me while we’re waiting in line at the Coffee Teen & Bee Leaf, I will personally wrap that shit around your neck and attempt to strangle you, mob style.
And don’t fucking examine the food once you pick it out, like a demented archeologist and then put it back in your mouth to savor the last of its flavors, OK Hannibal? You’re making us all uncomfortable.
Stop being grody to the max
Hey guy who’s coffee cup this is. Are you Old Greg? Do you live in a swamp? Is that why there’s literal fucking sea algae on your coffee cup? What is this?
Is your apartment a goldfish bowl and you’re actually a goldfish and that’s why you’re 1000% bad at cleaning? Because you have fins instead of hands? And you can’t use a sponge? BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE THE ONLY LOGICAL EXCUSE, NEMO.
Stop showing me how two humans make a child
You want to hold hands? Kill it. You want to kiss someone because you love them? Have at.
YOU WANT TO SHOVE YOUR TONGUES IN EACH OTHER’S MOUTHS REPEATEDLY WHILE I’M SITTING NEXT TO YOU ON THIS PARK BENCH IN FRONT OF A PLAYGROUND? Get the fuck out.
Just because you’re attracted to each other doesn’t mean I am. Don’t put me through this shit. Also, you’re disgusting.
Stop using speakerphone or FaceTime
Newsflash, attention whore: no one else at this Wendy’s wants to hear your gossip. Your life isn’t a reality show and no one is paying to stream it. I know privacy is a foreign concept to many these days, but I bet it’s not to the person on the other end of the phone.
Hard of hearing? Get a hearing aid. Get a better phone. Get a landline. Get your ass on back home and speakerphone to your heart’s content with your pug, shades drawn tight. Learn to text. Take the call in your car with bluetooth over your sound system. Take that call anywhere but in public.
This may shock you, but talking on speakerphone or FaceTime is NOT the same as that person being here at this Sizzler with us. They don’t need to see your all-you-can-eat shrimp. I’m sure your Instagram feed will keep them updated.
Other people exist outside of your personal sphere. That includes those of us in the public bathroom stall next to you. There is no conversation urgent enough to take on the toilet, unless it’s your GI doc calling with your colonoscopy results.
The world is NOT your oyster. It’s a shared space. And you’re not the drama queen of it. Hang up, you inconsiderate assface.
Stop respecting Justin Bieber
Actually, don’t limit this to something you don’t do in public. Don’t do it anywhere. Ever.
Much obliged.
