Online Dating Messages Not to Send

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Katie Dutch — used with permission

Is online dating not working out for you?

If your pictures aren’t all vacation scenery and your truck, and your bio says more than “I’ll fill this out later”, you might be striking out because your choice of messaging openers is a shitshow.

“Hey”

Could you be more boring, basic or forgettable? Wanna stay single? Keep putting in zero effort and lemme know how that works out for you.

You can’t send short messages and expect lengthy detailed responses. You get what you give. You want interesting, thoughtful, engaging discourse? Then you gotta start out with that.

“But Niki, you’re smart and funny, why don’t YOU pick up the conversation?”

You knocked on MY door. You better have something worth opening it for. I don’t go around knocking on people’s doors and telling the occupants to dance for me. That’s what you’re doing when you message someone something lame, boring and trite, and expect genius and wit in return.

“What are you up to?”

See also: “How was your weekend?”

You don’t actually care. That’s a question you ask a cashier ringing you up. You’re trying to stand out, aren’t you? Being boring, basic and lame ain’t gonna get you there.

Stop trying to be polite and start having a personality. Yep, you gotta sell yourself. Welcome to life. But you should feel rad about yourself and WANT to sell it. If you don’t, maybe you should work on that before you try the whole dating thing.

“But Niki! I want an amazing relationship with a stunning woman while putting in zero effort on them or myself!”

I know, man. I know.

Rub a lamp, dude. A genie is the only one granting you that wish.

Keep posting generic shit like this and remain single.

“HYD” or “WYD”

I’m not a code breaker. Use your big boy words.

“But, Niki! It’s easier! It’s faster! You’re old! Who cares?”

You should, you single jackass. Acronyms translate to:

“I’m a lazy piece of shit who’ll go down on you for ten seconds and believe I satisfied you!”

There are no character limits anywhere but Twitter. Knock that shit off. You don’t look hip or cool using acronyms, you look like someone trying too hard to be hip and cool which makes you pathetic and lame.

Are you a teenage boy looking for a teenage girl? Then acronym away. If you’re a grown ass adult man, I dunno… type like it, or GTFO.

You’re trying to impress people, remember?

“Are your boobs real?”

First of all, none ya business.

(Yes)

Second, could you be more rude and blatant about only seeing me as a sex object? Because, first impressions, and all. That’s a bad one. But thanks for weeding yourself out of the running and showing yourself the door, fuck-knuckle.

Keep sending messages like this and remain super shocked when no one ever responds declaring you the man of their dreams. Then be sure to whine about being single on social media.

“Headed to Sharky’s for Monday Night Football.”

And?

Cool?

Have fun? #footballemoji

Stating your plans is not asking someone on a date. You wanna go out with me, you’re gonna have to actually ask me out. I know, I’m such a high maintenance bitch with my impossibly high standards.

“God, you’re making this so hard! Can’t you take a hint so I can avoid even the slightest possible risk?”

Huh? I’m sorry, I forgot you were there. You may go now.

“Sex”

Look, I get it. You just wanna get laid. So do tons of women. Be straight forward but not “DTF?” straight forward. Feign some kind of class and respect for yourself and your prospective one night stand.

No one wants to hire someone for the job when they so very obviously don’t want the job.

Sending any variation of these messages says, “I don’t really want a relationship, I just hate my own company and don’t want to be alone.”

Ooohhh, someone just looking to fill space. What an enticing offer!

Messages TO Send

Anything mentioning something in their profile you thought was cool. Act like you’re actually interested in them as a person and not a time filler. Despite appearances, online dating is not a Amazon Prime for a girlfriend.

Make a joke, a pun, a witty observation. Mention your similar interest in something they listed.

Don’t spend hours crafting your missive. Make an interesting comment, a joke, or ask a thoughtful question and hit send. Then on to the next one.

Don’t put all your hopes on one person. That’s how you end up hurt. Message everyone you find interesting and then pay attention to the ones who write you back.

Rinse and repeat.

“But Niki, you online dated for ten years and found no one. What’s YOUR problem?”

98% of the messages I received looking like these. That was my problem.

I had great pictures of myself, not places I’ve been or things I own. I had an interesting bio listing my hobbies and interests that was funny and thoughtful and just the right length.

I did my part. I showed up to play and messages like this were the kind of shit game I was brought.

Don’t be those losers.

Stand out from the crowd. Get a personality and use it. Show genuine interest in getting to know the person you’re messaging and you stand a far better chance of getting a response.

Niki Marinis is your Cool Quirky Aunt with great relationship advice. Scour her pop culture obsession on Twitter and Instagram, and sign up for her newsletter here.

Written by

Weird Girl, thrift store owl collector, heartbreaker, lush, aspiring adult. IG: DocJohnnyFever nikimarinis@gmail.com

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