Continue to not give a shit about getting married. Marriage shouldn’t be a goal, having the best connection with an amazing and compatible partner should be a goal. (There’s some of that relationship advice for ya. Stop fucking it up)
Get better at not giving a shit what anyone thinks about what I wear, do, eat, say, write, scream, buy, date, or how I spend my time. I love watching TV and if you tell me you don’t own one I don’t think you’re enlightened, I feel sorry for you and think you’re sad.
See more movies because Moviepass is amazing and if you’re not using it you’re just dumb. Get on that.
Stop judging all my ideas and Just Fucking Do Them. Write them, make them, film them, create them.
Write shit and publish shit and that shit will get better.
Get the hair on my chin lasered off OR grow it out and join the circus as the Bearded Lady Contortionist with huge bunions and arthritic knees that sound like gravel.
Risk the idea that all the shit I have accumulated over a life time does NOT represent my identity or my worth as a human being and get the fuck rid of it. (Except my 80s toys. Hands off)
Buy less useless shit, but BETTER useless shit.
Re-embrace my new age hippie bullshit.I was born in a vortex, it’s literally in my DNA and I don’t give a fuck if you think it’s fruity as hell. It IS fruity as hell and I like it. So again with the eating of bags of dicks if you don’t like it.
Support more friends on their journeys through telling people to fuck off and eat dicks when everyone else is trying to tell them they can’t, or aren’t good enough. Seriously, fuck those people.
Stop looking for love.I’ve spent my life focused on finding it. It’s all I’ve ever wanted and the one thing that has eluded me. Love comes to you while you’re focusing on making your life fabulous, you look and feel great, and are pursuing your passions and things that make you happy because you can control those things. You can’t control love, chemistry, connection… that shit will take care of itself. It really will, we just don’t trust it and think we know better and can do it better and we are wrong. Wrong, people. Wrong. Let the Universe work its magic while you’re making your life awesome. (Another award winning relationship tidbit from my forthcoming tome, Sick Sad Truth — Stop Fucking Up Your Love Life)
Accept living with my parents and saving money, and not rushing out to live in poverty in order to prove to the world that I’m an adult. Fuck your notions of adulthood. SoCal is fucking expensive and you don’t have to live my life. You’d trade me for the free room and board in a heartbeat and you know it. This is the perfect life for a writer/entertainer/ne’er-do-well.
The Law of Attraction works, fuckers. I’ve seen it happen and I’ve done it myself. I custom ordered the last two guys I dated. Though, I apparently should have been a little more specific in the emotional availability and maturity sectors. See? It pays to be detailed when ordering shit from the Universe. What the fuck could it hurt for you to try it? Nothing, is what.
Cut down my social media time. It’s mostly made me depressed over the years from that whole “caring too much what other people think/comparing myself to others who have shit I don’t even want” thing. Stop your #ValidationNation whoring. Find your intrinsic worth and seek out only your own approval. Work on not being such a shallow, self-centered, selfish, immature, needy, clingy, over compensating, insecure asshole, yeah?
Get over my Fear of Missing Out bullshit. You can’t miss out on shit you didn’t want to do or attend in the first place. Re-adopt the motto of the ancient philosopher, Kesha: “The party don’t start till I walk in.”
Stop thinking so much. It’s only fucking me over, holding me back and making me miserable. Nike got it right, man. Just Do It. #BoJackson (You’re gonna have to Google that one)
Nothing is the end of the world, nothing is life or death. Stop being so goddamn overdramatic. Just fucking do it, go there, make that, say this. Stop being afraid of everything.
Open a gym in my backyard with all the exercise equipment I’m throwing out, charge $30 a month and lock in those New Years Resolution gym rat wannabes NOW, continue to earn massive profits when they bail on their health goals after reading my much more interesting New Years Resolutions.
Do more stuff better.
Niki Marinis is a comedian, force of nature, and glittery jackass. Follow her advice and inspiration on reclaiming your shitty life on Twitter and Instagram.