$80 ticket to LA bar party, $40 in gas, $20 to park, huddle with three friends you brought in oversold room, speak to no one new, drink $14 cocktails, still drive all the way home at end of night cuz you can’t afford a hotel room and there is no Uber to Ojai.
$40 ticket to Ventura bar party, huddle with three friends you brought in oversold room, scope out room for exes, semi-good looking people and skanks all night, avoid people you don’t want to talk to which is everyone, drink $12 cocktails, watch fights break out and inept women trip and fall in heels they don’t know how to walk in, hit Denny’s cuz we never left high school, decline to crash on floor of after party that will rage until dawn fueled by Coors Lite and baby laxative masquerading as blow, drive all the way home because there’s no Uber to Ojai.
House party where everyone sits in the living room on their phones scrolling Facebook or texting people not at the party, two people watching Die Hard yelling at everyone to be quiet so they can hear, burning through the good import beer that one guy brought instead of the Bud Light you brought, half the party on the patio all night getting stoned, other half drunkenly nodding out, switch TV to New Years Rockin’ Eve with ten seconds to spare, babysit people who got too drunk with no plan to get home but they do NOT want to leave their car there, and can someone drive them and their car 45 min out of their way and then figure out their own way back, decline to crash on what’s left of the floor not covered in vomit, ash, trash or stale beer, drive yourself home cuz there’s no Uber to Ojai.
Stay home, drink champagne with my cat.
Niki Marinis is a comedian, champagne guzzler, and champion long distance driver. Follow her glittering upward spiral into 2018 on Twitter and Instagram.