Make These First Date Mistakes And Be Alone Forever
Screw up this bad and you’ll die single
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Every successful relationship starts with a great first date. Any couple who’s happily in love will bore you with the story of their initial dinner and movie.
For most, the first date is a fun social event filled with hope and positive energy. But for many, it’s a gasoline-soaked hurdle set ablaze that must be jumped in order to find someone who’ll put up with you.
First dates cure loneliness because they make you want to be alone.
The Sick Sad Truth is if you screw up that first date, you’re probably going to die alone. These first date mistakes aren’t just deal breakers, they’re deal-destroying-weapons-of-mass-destruction. If you commit any of these crimes, your date is dead, no questions asked.
Don’t do this stupid shit and who knows, maybe one day you’ll become one-half of that couple who’s always telling the boring story about how wonderful and romantic it was when they first met. YAWN.
Drone on about your ex
While your date is awkwardly trying to get to know you and all you can think about is what… or who… your ex is doing.
You find yourself assaulting them with war stories about crazy texts and slashed tires, drunken fights and restraining orders.
Or you’re prattling on about the sweet love notes and dreamy spring picnics, gourmet breakfasts in bed, and weekend getaways.
Barf.
You’re very obviously not over your ex, but you need to get back in the dating game. So shut up.
Don’t tell stories about that time the two of you did… anything. Focus on the moment and the complete stranger sitting across from you.
Guzzle booze like you’re trying to drown the demons in your belly
Having a drink or two to loosen up on a first date is normal. A classy cocktail, a fine, handcrafted local brew. An after-dinner cordial while strolling the banks of the yacht club.
Lining up Jager bombs, finishing off five drinks for every one your date has, and double-fisting bottles of tequila is a red flag that says “too anxious to deal with reality” and “raging alcoholic.”
Save those fun facts for the second or third date.
Fail to groom, bathe or put on deodorant because you’re a swamp donkey/hobo/hoarder
If you can’t bother to clean yourself like a human being, why are you on a date? Because you’ve obviously given up. Why not make the extra effort and just stay home?
You think that hat is going to hide the fact you haven’t washed your hair in a month? Wrong-o.
You think gum is going to render the brown disgustingness clinging to your never-brushed pot-smoking teeth? Negatory.
You think that Axe body spray will distract from the crusty stench of your never-seen-a-washing-machine jeans, I’ve-only-worn-this-three-times-a-week-for-six-months graphic tee, and I-don’t-know-what-soap-is body odor that would choke a cat?
You’ve failed on a record-setting number of levels.
If poverty is a cause of your inability to properly clean your body and clothing, you should maybe work on that before getting into the whole dating thing. Thanks.
Bully someone into a debate on politics or religion
Once upon a time, it was impolite to discuss politics or religion. But nowadays, not only is it impolite, but it’s also a sign you’re a humorless fanatic who wants to date a puppet.
Or you’re a humorless fanatic who is hellbent on proving they can manipulate anyone into agreeing with their view for fun, prestige or profit.
You’re sure to win your date’s heart by telling them women’s rights aren’t real or their God doesn’t exist.
Or fact-check everything they’re saying to prove they’re lying or that you’re smarter than them. Because you know what makes men clamor for a second date? Public emasculation with a smile.
Keep up the good work! Should we engrave that on your headstone? That you were a big, big winner at life?
Ha! Just kidding. You have no friends or family. Into the communal pauper’s grave you go!
Spend the date texting and scrolling social media
Texting during dinner doesn’t show your date you’re important or “in demand.” It shows you’re an insecure attention whore. Your conversation probably does that, too.
If you’re texting someone else all night long… why are you out on a date? Go sit at home alone and text them, because God knows you wouldn’t want to talk to them in person. Eww.
You don’t need to check in on Facebook to make sure your friends (and your ex) see you’re out on a date and living such a fabulous life, #ValidationNation. No one cares.
No one needs a blow by blow of your date. No, you don’t need to live Tweet this. You’re not that cool or interesting or important and, no, this won’t go viral and make you any of those things.
All you WILL be is a rude, distracted, desperate, pathetic wretch who dies while Snapchatting their coffin’s descent into the grave.
Bring your friends, by which I mean “living security blankets”
If you’re on a date and they bring their bros or besties, you have every right to bail. You don’t even have to apologize or make up an excuse.
If your date is so rude (ragingly insecure) as to bring along their entourage of co-dependents, you can stand up, flip them the bird, and run full-speed out the door and around the block.
Unless you agreed to a group outing, I don’t… I don’t even know what this is. Bad communication, to start with. It’s not cute, sweet, or endearing. It’s sad, pathetic, unattractive.
This is the kind of person who would invite their bridesmaids on your honeymoon so it could be a “fun” group trip.
They can’t be alone, even with you, which means they have intimacy issues which means they’re emotionally unavailable which means you’ve already caught an Uber to the midnight live screening of Rocky Horror Picture Show where you can be around decent, normal, well-adjusted folks.
Use your fingers to cram food into your greasy maw
A first date isn’t the time to reveal your eating issues. Don’t order a glass of water and a side of coleslaw. But if you do order a full meal don’t eat it like you were raised by raccoon pigs.
Napkins are a cool thing. Ask for more. Unless you’re eating ribs, chicken wings, or Ethiopian food, chances are you were given utensils. Chances are even stronger you should use them.
Don’t know how? I bet you money there’s a YouTube tutorial for that. Please hold while I film said YouTube tutorial and start raking in the Big Bucks.
Slow down. Chew your food. Why are you eating so fast? Late for another date? Did you even taste it, or just inhale it? Savor that shit.
You’re not on a mission, the food won’t self-destruct if you don’t eat it in five minutes. It might be an hour later which tells you to never eat there again.
Act like a needy, clingy, desperate-for-love maniac
Hey, you’re on a first date! Congratulations! There are plenty of people who are too shy or nervous to even get that far.
You should feel proud of yourself instead of laughing at everything your date says and wringing your hands. Remember: “staring isn’t caring.”
Don’t talk like you’re already in a relationship. Don’t ask them when they’re getting off Tinder now that they’re exclusively dating you in the middle of your first date. Don’t ask them if they’re free tomorrow night to meet your parents.
Stop acting like you’ve been alone for a decade, even if you’ve been alone for a decade. It’s… what’s the word I’m looking for… unattractive.
Getting into a relationship isn’t the cure for all your woes. We all know money and cocaine are.
Plan the date without asking what they‘d like because you don’t really care
There’s a difference between “taking charge” and being a controlling sociopath.
If your date is a vegetarian who hates loud noises, don’t plan a night at a steak house followed by heavy metal karaoke. Planning something enjoyable for both of you shows you have basic empathy skills.
This isn’t your chance to show off how cultured and smart you think you are by dragging her to your WWII reenactment group mixer, or the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising’s symposium on tweed.
Stop trying so hard to impress them and pick something simple you’d both enjoy and not rant to crickets on Facebook Live later about how obnoxious, boring and lame it was.
Ask shockingly personal sexual questions like a pervert out on parole
The best way to never, ever get laid is to ask someone you just met creepy sex questions. This happens far too often.
A first date is a no sex-talk zone. The whole point of a first date is to figure out whether both parties want to continue down a path that might lead to sexy rumpus time.
If you’re both only there for sex, and knew and agreed upon that before you met up, then Go Team. Have at it.
But if you’re interested in more than just sex and want to actually get to know the person you might be consensually violating later, then focus on the “getting to know you as a person” part. If you’re hitting it off then the sex section of the test will naturally fall into place.
Have sex on that first date if you’re both feeling it. Sex isn’t a prize, gift, reward, or weapon. It’s a healthy thing consenting adults indulge in because it feels good, and hopefully, you’re interested in making your partner feel good, too. Bone away!
If you want to express your filthy sexual needs to someone you’ve never met before there’s this great place you should check out. It’s called the internet.
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