I fell asleep while we were texting. I meant to message you back in the morning. I was excited to catch up with you. I woke up overwhelmed with anxiety and hadn’t slept well. I tried to throw myself into the day and promised I’d get back to you. I didn’t want to bring my depression to the conversation.
I’ve been meaning to message you. It’s been so long since we talked. I want to. I want to call you and hear your voice. But by the time I’m emotionally ready, you’re asleep. And the cycle begins again. I want to break it but anxiety consumes me, reminding me I’m a bad friend and shouldn’t bother you.
I see your posts on Facebook. I private message you. In that moment, I’m in a good space and can give you the attention you deserve. It feels good and uplifting and hopeful. Then the dark tide of depression swells and engulfs as anxiety showers me with doubt and self-loathing.
We finally make plans to get together. I’m excited! But then life overwhelms me. My energy shifts making me struggle to get things done. I make an excuse to cancel because I’m frazzled. I’m initially relieved, but then stay up until 3 am feeling anxious and guilty, berating myself.
I care. I do. I want to catch up, to see you, to have long phone conversations. I have stationary and I want to write letters like we used to. “My intentions are good. Oh, Lord. Please don’t let me be misunderstood…”
You’re a new friend and I want to spend time with you but the guilt seeps in. I should be spending this time with friends I’ve neglected who’ve been patient.
I exist in a fog most of the time. I can’t focus on… anything. So I run. To the thrift stores, the coffee shops, to lunch, to the bookstore. Anything that will distract me from the feelings screaming for my attention that I’m terrified to sit with. I fill my hours with TV and social media until I’m numb and too tired to think.
I’m overwhelmed. I’m anxious. I worry any conversation we have will sound fake and hollow when it’s desperately not. I’m not enough. I’m paralyzed. Texts are abandoned after I type in your name and hello.
Unread messages stare at me. Too much time passes. I feel like a jerk, even though I miss you and want to talk.
You’re on the other side of the world. You’re in another state. You’re down the street.
You’re in my heart but my brain is under attack. I’m trying to find the balance. Thoughts escape like heat as the fog condenses.
I’m sorry I can’t do better right now.
I hope you can forgive me and still be there when I can.
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