How To Not Get Killed Online Dating
Simple tips to avoid murder
What’s the best way to tell if your date is a serial killer? Oh wait, there isn’t one.
Most women wouldn’t go out with a man she thought was a sociopath. MOST women don’t say, “OMG, I’ve been talking to this guy online and he’s giving off this super sexy Ted Bundy vibe. We’re meeting tomorrow, yay!” Most of the time women just think their date “seems like a nice guy.”
You’re more likely to get married than murdered online dating. It happens about as often as planes crash, which is almost never. Flying is the safest form of transportation. But when it does happen it terrifies millions of people to fly the friendly skies.
While getting killed is a rare occurrence, other kinds of creepy, uncomfortable shit can go down, so it’s wise to take precautions.
Don’t put personal info in your profile
Don’t put your full name, your Instagram account, where you work or your e-mail address, street address or phone number. Why would you advertise that to thousands of strangers?
Nope, not even your IG account. I had a guy on Tinder who I’d never messaged or even matched with, find my full name on my Insta and GOOGLE ME, calling my cell phone AND my landline. Yes, landline. #GrandmaGenX
Give your first name and phone number. If he’s a creep, you block him. Done.
Get a feel for him before meeting
Weeks and months of pre-date e-mailing and texting is a waste of time. Talk on the phone. It’ll give you more cues than text ever can.
You’re a woman, use your intuition. If something seems weird, don’t ignore it. If your gut says this guy is bad news, maybe he is.
Remember, you don’t owe him a date. And if he gets mad, fuck him. I mean, not literally fuck him, but you know, screw him. Wait, not that either. Dammit, you know what I mean.
Thank him for weeding himself out early. Next!
Always meet in public on first dates
ALWAYS! While it IS chivalrous for a man to pick you up at home, and he should down the road if you like him and you guys hit it off, NOT on the first meeting! That’s telling a complete stranger where he can find you if he feels like a little murder next week.
Go somewhere where there are plenty of witnesses, I mean, people. A coffee shop, bar, or restaurant are good because the waiter or barista can tell the police, “Oh, yeah, I remember that douchey looking dude sitting at table 52 with the hot girl. He went thataway!”
Don’t get in his car
I made this mistake once. He wasn’t a homicidal maniac but he was a major fucking creep trying desperately to feel me up despite bracing my arms across my chest and telling him flat out, “You’re not touching my boobs.”
That sucked ass, but not as much as being abducted and ending up in a dumpster. Find your own means of transportation to and from the date and don’t get in his car at any point in between.
Carry the right tools
Besides lip gloss and breath mints, you need some important safety items in your bag.
These include: fully charged cell phone, some cash, a credit card, ID. Pepper spray is a smart idea. Brass knuckles if you’re badass.
Tell your date upfront that your brother loves guns, knows where to hide the bodies and is on speed dial. Keep him on his toes. It worked for me! Never got murdered once.
Give a friend your date’s info
That guy wouldn’t have been trapped under a boulder for 127 hours if he’d told ANYONE where he was going that day. Let someone know where you’re going to meet your date.
Give them the details in writing: the location, time and some information about the guy. Take a screenshot of his profile and send it to your friends, telling them, “In case I’m found dismembered, this is the guy I was last seen with.”
Go one better and invite all of your friends to the bar so they can live tweet your date to the masses. Hilarity will ensue.
Don’t get drunk
I love bottomless mimosas, too, but don’t make it easy for someone to take advantage of you. It’s smart to keep it to one or two drinks.
You get sloppy, you spend too much, you eat crap food, and DUI’s are so not fun. Negative five stars. Do not recommend.
Also, keep an eye on your drink so he, or anyone else, can’t slip you a mickey. If you start feeling woozy let a bartender, waiter, staff member know, and call or text someone to come meet you.
It’s total mom advice, but hey, even mom was right sometimes.
