I tried to be an alcoholic. Really tried. Alcohol tastes like crap when you’re drinking alone. Fail.
I can’t afford a drug addiction. Ha! I don’t buy drugs, I have huge boobs.
Honestly, if I was smart I would invest my time and improved energy in cocaine. I would get shit done, slim down, and save all that money I’ve been wasting on food. I’ll just do coke until I lose 40 lbs and then I’ll stop!
THIS CAN’T GO WRONG!
When you’re drowning in the misery of depression and anxiety tasty noms are a fantastic life saver. Ooohh, Life Savers!
I wasn’t consciously aware I was eating because it felt good. I felt legitimately hungry. At least my mouth did. Who has a huge sugar addiction? ME!
Sugar makes my mouth say MORE MORE MORE even if my stomach is going, “Nah, I’m good.”
Another reason I feel perpetually hungry? I’m dehydrated as hell. Why? Because water is dumb.
I was raised on Kool Aid, Pepsi, and whole milk. I didn’t start drinking water until I went to Europe before college and couldn’t afford to drink anything else.
There’s water in Pepsi, right? And coffee? And Jameson on the rocks?
I used to love my body. I was thin, my clothes fit, and I felt comfortable. I haven’t felt that way in ten years.
I started eating my feelings when I realized it was the one thing I felt I had control over. What is this pit of despair and emptiness hollowed out inside me?
Is… is that my lack of self-worth and self-esteem? LOOK, A CUPCAKE!
Butter soaked white toast…
Mexican Pizza and two Taco Supremes…
I’ve been trying the Keto diet. Yeah, yeah, I know. I watched my sister in law lose over 70 lbs on it, I know it works! But I keep failing at it.
I keep giving in to the emotional cravings and shoving whatever sugar I can find in my pie hole. It’s taken me months to realize my mouth is crying wolf. My anxiety and fear are the voices screaming in my ears to choke back more food.
And the scarcity fallacy.
I shovel in all the food for fear there won’t be anymore. Despite the fact I’ve never gone hungry in my life. Same reason I hoard clothes, as if I don’t continually bring home buckets of I HAVE TO HAVE THIS clothes from the thrift store.
Grocery shopping irritates me. I’m always like, “Didn’t I JUST buy food? UGH.” Like food is a car you buy once and you’re done. Not unless it’s a food truck.
Hmmmm. Mental Note: buy food truck.
Cutting way back on sugar and eating tons more fat has made me feel fuller, longer and have less PUT FOOD IN HERE cries from my mouth. So I can hear when my body actually needs food, and when it’s just bored.
I may still cram food in my craw, but at least now I know why I’m doing it.
Eating is such an event. If you’re not going out to eat or shop, what are you doing? Go to the movies… and get snacks. Go to the bookstore… and get that sugar bomb latte and a muffin. House party? FOODS.
It becomes an activity, entertainment, something you can do even if you’re not hungry. Since when did anyone stop eating just because they weren’t hungry?
Thin people, I imagine.
I used to be one of those. *sigh*
I can get back there again!
If I can just stop eating out of boredom, entertainment, or feeling bad about myself.
How about you get your prying bar and wedge yourself off the couch and going for a walk down the street instead of cracking open another jar of strawberry preserves?
How about plopping back down on that couch and writing about what you’re feeling instead of gnawing on another block of cheddar? There ya go.
Food really has been medicine for me. I’m clinging to old energy that says “You’re not good enough! Protect yourself!” which is why, no matter what I do or don’t eat, the scale ain’t movin’.
Not up, not down. Not cool.
So screw your calories in/calories out lies. If you’re avoiding your feelings then you’re going to avoid weight loss.
So put down the cocktail, send me your cocaine, and stop and think about why you’re eating the next time you want to tip more treats into your trap.
Are you actually hungry or have you run out of social media to scroll through?
And drink water! You might actually just be dehydrated. I begrudgingly starting pouring gallons of it down my gullet.
Did you know it clears up your skin? Goodbye fine lines! Hello sculpted thighs from trotting to the bathroom so often!
I eat less, I pee more, I’m more emotionally enlightened… that scale just might start moving now.
Thank you for reading! Please enjoy more of my incredibly witty advice!