Cupid Tinder Match: Who’s Laughing Now?

Reporting live from the murder scene of your dating hopes and dreams

Niki Marinis
4 min readSep 28, 2022


Author’s artwork

Oh man! I found a folder of old drafts of my online dating story ridiculousness from before Covid times! Because the Good Lord knows I don’t fuck with online dating anymore. So please enjoy this backlog from The Before Time, in the Long Long Ago.

Igot a friend request on Facebook from a guy whose profile says he’s a fellow comedian who has mutual comedian friends. I typically accept comedian friend requests as a matter of business. And hilarity ensued!

Guy on Facebook: You’re so fuckin gorgeous 😍😍😍😍😍💜💜💜💜

Guy: How’re you feeling today beautiful??

Me: Thanks! I’m feeling pretty shitty. 😂

Guy: What’s wrong sexy


Me: I’m sick

Guy: Poor baby. Wish I could massage your problems away 💜


Guy: Are you married??


Me: No

Guy: I’ll wife your gorgeous ass up 😘😘😘😍😍😍😍😘😘😘

Me: Uh, OK…you don’t even know me. 😂

Or, more to the point, I don’t know YOU and you’ve done nothing to even attempt to impress me or sell me on why I should have anything to do with you. You just tried to dive right into my pants. Did you expect a gleeful, squealing, “YES!”?

Guy: Hmm 🤔🤔🤔

Guy: Guess ur right

Guy: But I already want you 😘😘😘😘

Me: I don’t doubt it. 😉

Again, what’s in this for ME?

Guy: You’re sexy as fuck

Guy: You have any fwbs??

Me: Not with total strangers who message me on social media 😂

Guy: Makes sense

Guy: But I meant in general

Guy: I’d like to know you better and hopefully see your flawless face in person when you’re comfortable…



Niki Marinis

Weird Girl, thrift store owl collector, heartbreaker, lush, aspiring adult. IG: DocJohnnyFever