Cupid Tinder Match: Who’s Laughing Now?
Reporting live from the murder scene of your dating hopes and dreams
Oh man! I found a folder of old drafts of my online dating story ridiculousness from before Covid times! Because the Good Lord knows I don’t fuck with online dating anymore. So please enjoy this backlog from The Before Time, in the Long Long Ago.
Igot a friend request on Facebook from a guy whose profile says he’s a fellow comedian who has mutual comedian friends. I typically accept comedian friend requests as a matter of business. And hilarity ensued!
Guy on Facebook: You’re so fuckin gorgeous 😍😍😍😍😍💜💜💜💜
Guy: How’re you feeling today beautiful??
Me: Thanks! I’m feeling pretty shitty. 😂
Guy: What’s wrong sexy
Me: I’m sick
Guy: Poor baby. Wish I could massage your problems away 💜
Guy: Are you married??
Guy: I’ll wife your gorgeous ass up 😘😘😘😍😍😍😍😘😘😘
Me: Uh, OK…you don’t even know me. 😂
Or, more to the point, I don’t know YOU and you’ve done nothing to even attempt to impress me or sell me on why I should have anything to do with you. You just tried to dive right into my pants. Did you expect a gleeful, squealing, “YES!”?
Guy: Hmm 🤔🤔🤔
Guy: Guess ur right
Guy: But I already want you 😘😘😘😘
Me: I don’t doubt it. 😉
Again, what’s in this for ME?
Guy: You’re sexy as fuck
Guy: You have any fwbs??
Me: Not with total strangers who message me on social media 😂
Guy: Makes sense
Guy: But I meant in general
Guy: I’d like to know you better and hopefully see your flawless face in person when you’re comfortable…