Cupid Tinder Match: No Waze to My Heart
Reporting live from the murder scene of your dating hopes and dreams
Guy on Hinge: Ok, Niki. First, I did the “oh she’s hot” thing. Then came the “where the fuck is Hobson Heights?” Then I thought, Ventura? after google mapping it, which was followed by a “oh man, that is far,” which then that was followed by, two weekends ago I went to the San Luis Obispo/Pismo Beach area for the weekend and even stopped for a coffee pitstop in Ventura/possibly Hobson Heights on the way back. I also did a Ojai weekend in 2019 and just went up to Ventura for dinner for my friend up there. So yeh, it is just only about an hour away. Not far at all. Maybe just a podcast episode away.
Ok. Now that I got that intense “should I write her or not write her because she’s far” out of the way, how the heck are you doing this weekend?
When was the last time you wandered to LA? I’m right by the airport.
Well that’s enough for now.
ALL of that could have remained a boring thought inside your head you never had to share with me. Ever. Nothing about that was remotely interesting.
I say fuck like a dirty sailor, but I gotta say that his first two lines were off putting. “Hey, sex object, you’re already irritating me with your lame location.”
Oh, and why are you asking me if I ever come to LA? The same reason every guy in LA asks me if I ever come to LA: because you’d rather I come to LA. Ain’t gonna happen. Niki lives in Ventura.
You live by the airport? Um… cool? Does that mean you have a plane to fly up here to Ventura?
You really think your uninteresting ramblings about the three times you’ve been to the 805 were “enough for now”? After all that riveting story telling you leave me with forever juicy, “How are you?”
Guys. Tip. Don’t ever again ask me how I’m doing or how my weekend was. Ever again.
For the love of God, buy a Goddamn personality and fucking use it, or be alone forever. I really don’t fucking care anymore.
I am so fucking tired of being bored to fucking tears with these boring ass fucking questions.