Cupid Tinder Match: No Comic Relief

Reporting live from the murder scene of your dating hopes and dreams

Author’s artwork

Dating in the time of quarantine. Yes, we’re in the middle of a coronavirus social distancing self-isolation lockdown, so what the hell am I still doing on dating apps, especially when I said I was done with this shit?

Well, I’m a jackass. And talking to people online, via dating apps, Twitter, Facebook groups, wherever, is a really great way to meet friends and future significant others. So there’s no reason to stop talking to idiots on dating apps. Well, except they’re idiots who are on apps because they can’t get dates in the real world. But that’s a subject for a future article.

And that’s all I’m doing is talking. I’m not one of those geniuses meeting up with strangers for romantic dalliances in a time where we’re not supposed to be around our own damn families, though I’ve still had plenty of idiots suggest it. None of you strangers are worth it.

Though… Harry Styles, Tom Holland, Chris Evans… they… they could be worth it, I could make an exception. If you guys find yourselves in Ojai, you know, lemme know. Mi casa es su casa, and all.

I was hopeful about this one, man. My age, relatively close by, witty, seemed to have the same interests…