Cupid Tinder Match: In the Upside Down
Reporting live from the murder scene of your dating hopes and dreams
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Oh man! I found a folder of old drafts of my online dating story ridiculousness from before Covid times! Because the Good Lord knows I don’t fuck with online dating anymore. So please enjoy this back-log from The Before Time, in the Long Long Ago.
Guy on Match who is four years older than me: When you say 80’s queen, are referring to what exactly? Liking all genres of 80’s music or just Queen? Trust me when I say the 80’s are a but more complex than just “80’s music” as there are a lot of styles that don’t necessarily mix. But who am I to judge? I listen to Wham and Sade but will get going on Depeche Mode and Jane’s Addiction.
Me: Movies, actually. But really, all things 80s. Did… did you just explain that there are different styles of music? 😂 To a self professed 80s Queen? Who was alive and kicking for the entirety of the 80s? 🤔🤣 DO go on. Tell me more about this New Coke! 😜😂
Guy: New Coke was a disaster. If I ever get a dog or a cat; I would name it Lloyd Dobler (Ding!) I once wrote a short story using only Depeche Mode song titles. Fun fact but I have always felt that Die Hard was the ultimate Christmas movie long before it became a thing on social media.
Me: So you’re a Die Hard hipster, eh?
Guy: Ha! Far from it. You see, I am a trend setter. I rode a fixie long before them skinny-jeaned funky mustached coffee geeks even knew how to wipe their own butts. That, I am far too old to be a hipster plus can’t stand them really (hope you’re not one)
Me: You’re so hipster you’ve gone to plaid 😜😂
What a fucking douchebag. For goddamn real? No sense of irony on this one. Or humor, for that matter. He’s not even having a conversation with me. I stumbled into a lecture hall by mistake. Cue Monty Python:
Niki: “Hi! I’m Niki from Match…”
Guy: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Niki: Well, I was told outside that…
Guy: Don’t give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
Niki: What?
Guy: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!!!
Niki: Look, I CAME HERE FOR A DATE WITH A DECENT MAN, I’m not going to stand for…
Guy: OH, oh I’m sorry, but this is Abuse.
Niki: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Guy: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
Niki: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Guy: Not at all.
Niki: Thank You.
Guy: (Under his breath) Stupid git!!
How in the world is this humble dreamboat single?
If you need more dating advice, for the love of God, read these immediately!
