Cupid Tinder Match: In the Upside Down

Reporting live from the murder scene of your dating hopes and dreams

Niki Marinis
3 min readJun 1, 2022


Author’s artwork

Oh man! I found a folder of old drafts of my online dating story ridiculousness from before Covid times! Because the Good Lord knows I don’t fuck with online dating anymore. So please enjoy this back-log from The Before Time, in the Long Long Ago.

Guy on Match who is four years older than me: When you say 80’s queen, are referring to what exactly? Liking all genres of 80’s music or just Queen? Trust me when I say the 80’s are a but more complex than just “80’s music” as there are a lot of styles that don’t necessarily mix. But who am I to judge? I listen to Wham and Sade but will get going on Depeche Mode and Jane’s Addiction.

Me: Movies, actually. But really, all things 80s. Did… did you just explain that there are different styles of music? 😂 To a self professed 80s Queen? Who was alive and kicking for the entirety of the 80s? 🤔🤣 DO go on. Tell me more about this New Coke! 😜😂

Guy: New Coke was a disaster. If I ever get a dog or a cat; I would name it Lloyd Dobler (Ding!) I once wrote a short story using only Depeche Mode song titles. Fun fact but I have always felt that Die Hard was the ultimate Christmas movie long before it became a thing on social media.

Me: So you’re a Die Hard hipster, eh?

Guy: Ha! Far from it. You see, I am a trend setter. I rode a fixie long before them skinny-jeaned funky mustached coffee geeks even knew how to wipe their own butts. That, I am far too old to be a hipster plus can’t stand them really (hope you’re not one)

Me: You’re so hipster you’ve gone to plaid 😜😂

What a fucking douchebag. For goddamn real? No sense of irony on this one. Or humor, for that matter. He’s not even having a conversation with me. I stumbled into a lecture hall by mistake. Cue Monty Python:

Niki: “Hi! I’m Niki from Match…”


Niki: Well, I was told outside that…

Guy: Don’t give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

Niki: What?

Guy: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!!!

Niki: Look, I CAME HERE FOR A DATE WITH A DECENT MAN, I’m not going to stand for…

Guy: OH, oh I’m sorry, but this is Abuse.

Niki: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.

Guy: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.

Niki: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.

Guy: Not at all.

Niki: Thank You.

Guy: (Under his breath) Stupid git!!

How in the world is this humble dreamboat single?

I’ll take Shadoe Stevens to block. Circle gets the square!

Niki Marinis is your Cool Quirky Aunt with solid gold relationship & dating advice. Follow her wacky adventures & pop culture obsession on Twitter and Instagram, and sign up for her newsletter here.



Niki Marinis

Weird Girl, thrift store owl collector, heartbreaker, lush, aspiring adult. IG: DocJohnnyFever