Cupid Tinder Match: Hometown Hoax Heel

Reporting live from the murder scene of your dating hopes and dreams

Author’s artwork

Oh man! I found a folder of old drafts of my online dating story ridiculousness from before Covid times! Because the Good Lord knows I don’t fuck with online dating anymore. So please enjoy this back-log from The Before Time, in the Long Long Ago.

I swear to fucking Christ.

Hinge is a dating app that tells people where you live and where you’re from. Do you get that? Does that make sense? Does that seem super fucking hard and ridiculously complicated to you?

This guy messages me and says, “Hello neighbor, very pretty smile.”

I check his profile. It says not only does he live in my tiny hometown of Ojai, CA, but that he’s FROM Ojai, and that he’s about my age. Hmmm.

He doesn’t look familiar, his pics are meh, his answer to the question “the best way to ask me out is by” is “being direct” which is fucking groan worthy, turn off, not what a man would say, because a man would ask you out instead, but I match with him because I want to know who this dude is who is about my age and says he’s from my hometown.

So I message back, “Thank you! You’re from Ojai, too?”