Cupid Tinder Match: Follow The Bouncing Ball
Reporting live from the murder scene of all your dating hopes and dreams
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Oh man! I found a folder of old drafts of ridiculousness from before Covid times! Because the Good Lord knows I don’t fuck with online dating anymore. So please enjoy this back-log from The Before Time, in the Long Long Ago.
Guy on Tinder: His profile says he just got out of a ten year relationship. His second profile pic is with a girl. And he’s actually really good looking. And I don’t find any of these guys attractive. I mean, any of them.
Guy: Omg I think you’re gorgeous
Me: Why thank you! You’re so sweet.
Guy: …and I really like what you said in your profile
Me: Thanks for actually reading it.
Guy: You really seem like my type and fun too! I’d like to meet at my favorite murder site. Lol have you ever been to the Garage on the east end?
Me: Haha! I have. I know a musician or two in this town who’ve played there. Are they open?
Guy: I think they’re open on certain days and have limits on how late but yeah
Me: I’m down to hit them back up.
Guy: Welp, bars are closed again… now what?
Did you suddenly forget how to do this?
Me: You tell me
Guy: Hmmm I’m sure there’s other things we could do
… well then pick one of them and let’s go. No? Am I going to have to lead you by the hand? *sigh* Christ.
Me: I’m sure there are other places that are open
Guy: Any ideas?
Good fucking God, REALLY? Why is thinking of a restaurant so hard to do? WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO DO?
Me: I trust you
Guy: What do you mean?
Guy: Unless you’d like to come over
Me: There are places on downtown Main Street in Ventura that are open.
Me: I meant I trust you to figure out that there are other places that are open, and choose one
Me: I don’t meet strangers from dating apps at their houses.
Guy: Ohh yeah, I think I’ve already fucked it up. I’m obviously not ready to date. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. The idea of meeting you personally and spending time with you might have been fun in my own mind but I don’t know if I can make everything right… thanks for your interest though.
I have a unique knack for being a stunning magnet for guys on the rebound. What IS it about me, doctor?
And how is it… HOW IS IT… you can take something THIS FUCKING SIMPLE and make it THIS FUCKING CHINESE ALGEBRA HARD?
Did I lose my compassion? My empathy?
I know guys who’ve been in long term relationships don’t know how to ask someone on a date because they haven’t had to in so long, but… for fucking serious. Come the fuck on. “Do. You. Want. To. Meet. At. This. Place. Where. They. Have. Food?” THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO DO!
WHY do you sound so bitter, Niki?
BECAUSE I WILL NOT HOLD A GROWN MAN’S HAND AND TEACH HIM HOW TO DATE ME LIKE A FUCKING MAN.
Someone once asked me, in one of my articles, why I take the time to turn these situations into teachable moments. I recently read that article and my response to the suitor in question and, Good God, I had to agree.
Wow.
I was really insisting on letting this man know why he was fucking up and how and why he should stop. Christ almighty, Niki. Get a move on.
No more. I’ll lead by example, sure. We all teach people how to treat us by what kind of treatment and behavior we tolerate from them and the world around us.
I’ll write articles vomiting my unsolicited opinions on relationships and dating, what I think it means to be a man versus a boy, and how to improve yourself. And cool shit about serial killers and pop culture, of course.
But I’m not telling men trying to date me how to date me anymore. That’s what the whole elimination process is about.
That cat is too green, ain’t ready to get back in the game. And that’s fine! Back on the bench you go.
I don’t want a project. I don’t want to fix you. I don’t want you to be perfect, but by God, if your idea of asking me out is to give ME your number and tell ME, “I’m free tomorrow,” you MUST have mistaken my deep, Kathleen Turner-esque voice for that of a man. Because I am a woman, honey. And Homey don’t play dat.
Get your fucking shit together, dudes. Pronto. For fuckssake.
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