Here’s what not to do

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Katie Dutch — used with permission

Still not having much luck online dating?

If your online dating profile pictures aren’t garbage and your messages to prospective dates are more interesting than “Hey” or “How’s your day going?”, it might be that your bio is a dumpster fire.

No Bio

This isn’t Mad Libs, I can’t fill in the blanks for you, man.

You shouldn’t legally be allowed to online date without filling out the bio.

You’re trying to get a job at a top firm without even applying.

NEXT!

Don’t be a lazy jackass.

I’ll fill this out later

There IS no later. There is only NOW.

This is more of that lazy jackass stuff I mentioned earlier. Did you sign up for this dating site while sitting at a red light? You have time. …


Or anyone else, for that matter

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Katie Dutch — used with permission

I was going to an event and expecting to see a certain someone there, so I chose my outfit with him in mind.

What might he be impressed by? What might he think looked great on me? What were the perfect accessories and hairstyle to make a lasting impression of how great I am?

I put together a fab outfit I felt super hot in, and headed out the door. When I got to the event, I learned he wasn’t attending.

I immediately felt like I’d put in all this work for nothing. …


You didn’t fail to make that relationship work — it was never going to

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Katie Dutch — used with permission

If you and your partner aren’t compatible, all the love in the world will never change that.

No one’s at fault, you just aren’t a matching pair. A size 10 shoe doesn’t belong with a size 6. They don’t match, and neither of them are wrong for being that size.

Your goals don’t make you undatable. You’ve just chosen needy, clingy, insecure partners who expect far too much and need too much validation. …


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Katie Dutch — used with permission

When’s the last time some douchewad messaged you, “Send me some nudes!” I’m guessing it was five minutes ago.

These guys are asking for nudes before they’re even asking for your actual phone number.

Why are they constantly asking for naked pictures? We know men love to look at naked women, and there’s no shortage of them on the interwebs.

But why do men expect women they barely know to bend over in a mirror, or contort their legs over their heads like circus performers, and take personalized “just for you” pics of their nether regions?

1. They never plan to see you in person

If you meet a guy online and he immediately starts asking for nudes, it’s pretty safe to say he doesn’t plan on doing anything but jerking off to them once or twice, sharing them with his friends, and then forgetting all about them and you. …


Losing at love? Here’s why

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Katie Dutch — used with permission

A lot of guys are terrible when it comes to laying down game, and they’re oblivious to how bad they look. They have no idea what we’re thinking when we give them that blank stare and walk away.

Until you step up your game you’re going to keep spinning your wheels.

I’ll be honest, guys. If you’re looking for a one way ticket to get in our pants instead of taking the time to get to know us as a person, you’re doing it wrong.

Let’s look at the real reasons why your game sucks.

You bring on the sexual innuendos

We see you coming a mile away. (Hey-O!) We haven’t even considered you as a friend yet, much less a lover. …


Welcome to #ValidationNation

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Katie Dutch — used with permission

Relationship oversharing!

People who constantly post about how in love they are with their impossibly incredible partner are overcompensating for the lack of emotional depth and connection in their relationship.

But if other people think things are great, then they gotta be, right?! Or things are super shitty in their relationship and they’ve been oversharing from the beginning so they’ve gotta keep up appearances now.

“Methinks she doth protest too much.” — Lady McShakespeare

There’s no reason your entire relationship needs to play out in detail via social media posts except that you’re really insecure and desperately need outside validation. …


And they’re ruining your chances of finding love

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Katie Dutch — used with permission

We live in a swiping, instant gratification world. You have about three seconds to make an impression in the dating marketplace and you’re going to want to make them count by putting your best foot forward.

And by best foot I mean face.

You want to have the best pictures of yourself up in the first three choices on any platform. If you haven’t intrigued me in the first three then I probably won’t bother with the rest, and I’ll be on to the next guy.

It’s cut-throat. You gotta adapt.

If you’re not having any luck in the dating world it could be because your pictures are terrible. Here’s some choices NOT to make when it comes to profile pictures. …


Just… just stop

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Katie Dutch — used with permission

Is online dating not working out for you?

If your pictures aren’t all vacation scenery and your truck, and your bio says more than “I’ll fill this out later”, you might be striking out because your choice of messaging openers is a shitshow.

“Hey”

Could you be more boring, basic or forgettable? Wanna stay single? Keep putting in zero effort and lemme know how that works out for you.

You can’t send short messages and expect lengthy detailed responses. You get what you give. You want interesting, thoughtful, engaging discourse? Then you gotta start out with that.

“But Niki, you’re smart and funny, why don’t YOU pick up the conversation?”


There’s a time and a place, and it’s not a weekend night

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Katie Dutch — used with permission

“I’d love to meet you in person, are you free this Friday?” he asked over the phone.

One of the last online dates I met, before I mercifully quit that nonsense, and I had been talking on the phone for about a week. It was time for a face-to-face to see what our true chemistry/attraction was.

“Sure. What did you have in mind?”

“There’s a Starbucks at Hollywood & Highland, lets meet there for coffee,” he said.

***Tires Screeching***

Starbucks?

On a Friday Night?

…in Hollywood?

You know those dating commercials that say “Actual First Date” at the bottom of the screen, when the two people awkwardly meet in front of a restaurant and then laugh and flirt over sushi and drinks? I’d love to go back to those awful online dates. The guys I met online slowly transitioned to being all about the coffee date. …


They look good on paper, but no so much in real life

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Katie Dutch — used with permission

My parents always warned me not to date starving artists, bartenders and guys who don’t pay their bills on time. I know, I know, we shouldn’t stereotype but there’s a reason the stereotype exists in the first place.

I was told from an early age to always check the guy’s bank book (Does anyone besides my dad even have a bank book anymore?) And to assess whether he’s kind to the wait staff.

But despite that sage advice there are a few other types who can blindside you and some of us had to learn the hard way.

Here are five guys you shouldn’t date. …

About

Niki Marinis

Weird Girl, thrift store owl collector, heartbreaker, lush, aspiring adult. IG: DocJohnnyFever nikimarinis@gmail.com

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